Listening in on the talk on the drivers' ultrasecret channel. With 28 laps to go in the Daytona 500, Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Tony Stewart are trading the lead back and forth:

Tony Stewart: Whoa! Nice racing there, Little E!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: You said it! This is almost as much fun as serving your country while you serve yourself in the National Guard!

Tony Stewart: You don't really believe that, do you?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Um ... (whispering) No, but I just made five grand for saying it. I'll split it with you.

Tony Stewat: Why, that's really kind of you, Dale. Everybody's been so sweet to me this weekend, treating me so well ... you know, maybe it's time for me to make a change. Maybe it's time for Good Tony to take his turn on the track!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: You go, buddy. Hang on, I smell something coming from my tires. Boys? Should I be pitting any time soon? Boys?

Tony Eury Jr: Hey boss, did you know that Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are the same person? I just figured that out!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Shouldn't you be, like, paying attention to the race?

[Fast-forward now to the race's final laps]

Tony Stewart: Okay, I hang back here and wait for Kyle, and he'll push me right through to Victory Lane! Man, being good is finally gonna pay off!

Kyle Busch: D00D UR GONNA WIN DATYONA LOL ROFLMAO

Tony Stewart: Kyle! Are you text-messaging again? Look out, man, you gotta stay on the track-

[Kyle Busch's car dips below the yellow line]

Kyle Busch: SUXXXORZ

Tony Stewart: Aw, no! Kyle's gone, and now I'm out here on my own! And here comes Kurt and Newman. Hello, Newman!

Ryan Newman: Yeah, haven't heard that one before. Cute. One side, hippie.

Tony Stewart: No! No! NOOOOOO!!!!

Kurt Busch: Look at it this way, Tony ... it's one more year you don't have to worry about climbing the fence. So long, sucka!

[Newman goes on to win the race. A dejected Stewart faces the media.]

Tony Stewart: I just made the wrong decision on the backstretch. Tried to get down in front of Kyle. Thought I would get a push down there ...

[Stewart pauses, as if hearing something in his headset.]

Evil Tony: Hello, Tony.

Good Tony: Who's that? Who's there?

Evil Tony: You know perfectly well who it is, Tony.

Good Tony: Evil Tony? No! I can't let you back into my life! I almost won this race being good!

Evil Tony: And I almost went three days without beating somebody to a bloody pulp. "Almost" doesn't cut it, Tony. You know it's true.

Good Tony: No! No, Evil Tony! Stay away from me! Stay away!

Evil Tony: Just you wait, Good Tony. Soon enough, you'll be calling out my name ...

Need we say it? To be continued!

(Hat tip to Velcro Vernacular. If you like the Atlanta Braves, read VV.)
(Photo credit: Getty Images)

Related: Pit chatter